I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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