I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
