Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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