If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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