The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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