I just pynch a tree in the face
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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