i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize