Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
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