I'm lost and stupid without you.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
