How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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