im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
