It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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