I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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