matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
ttyl tear gas
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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