Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm at about main and main street
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
