I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
