I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i out mim tonsoeep
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
