I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
