I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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