I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize