i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You can't just leave with hair like that
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
