Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
