My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
My balls are so social today.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize