yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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