Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Text me some of your sweat
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
