so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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