I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
