return my video game
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
