Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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