Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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