Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
