mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
