Soap is not a condiment
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
