so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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