I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
home. puking in laundry basket.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
