FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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