She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
