Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
