I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
