where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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