Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
