I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He felt like a one man threesome
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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