totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
