Plan B is the new Plan A
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
