He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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