he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
