Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
