your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
