i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
