dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
worst night to have a conscience
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize