He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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