Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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