Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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