so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
my shit smells like andre
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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