I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
