I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
