you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize