I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
