She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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