Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The air was thick with penises
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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